This post is from an essay I wrote about something that I'm actually quite passionate about. I know it's considerably longer than my other posts, but I hope you'll find it worth the rather lengthy read. On the other hand, if you'd like to hear even more about the subject, I've included links to my references, which provide some wonderful information as well. Enjoy!
Introduction
“Tyler and I have known each other for almost ten years now, and we’re really close. Whenever we meet up to do something we end up spending the whole day together. We can talk for hours! Honestly, he probably knows more about me than I do sometimes. I don’t know how to explain it, we just go together perfectly.”
“So are you guys, like, dating?”
“No, we’re…”
I have always been uncomfortable with the phrase “just friends.” To me, it underscored the subtle cultural indoctrination that romantic relationships are somehow above platonic relationships in the imaginary relationship hierarchy. As journalist and social activist blogger S.E. Smith observes, “There’s a tendency to value romantic and sexual relationships over other types of relationships, where friendship[s]… are considered the training wheels for the real relationship… We are, after all, just the second fiddles, the entertainment while the primary partner is away” (Smith). Here, Smith repudiates society’s arbitrary ranking of relationships and criticizes its tendency to devalue platonic relationships. I agree with these criticisms, and add that such views imply a dichotomy between friendships and relationships which can be frustrating for someone like me who feels uncomfortable in a world of platonic-romantic binary.
So when I discovered a new category, queerplatonic relationships, I was ecstatic. Coined in 2010 by a community of aromantic bloggers, this label describes a relationship that involves a close emotional connection and a commitment level similar to that of a relationship, but is not romantic (“Queerplatonic”). This acknowledges that a platonic relationship can be the primary relationship in someone’s life, contrary to the view that Smith and I denounce.
But not everyone shared my enthusiasm for this new distinction. In an informal survey I recently conducted, several respondents expressed apathy or even disdain for this new categorization; several thought the label would be confusing or impact the relationship negatively, and one even said it was “ridiculous” (QP Relationships). Contrary to what these individuals believe, queerplatonic relationships are necessary to fill a conceptual gap in society’s understanding of platonic and romantic affection, and understanding them is beneficial to people in such relationships and society in general.
The Third Category
It was clear to Tyler and me that our feelings for each other were never romantic. And yet I trusted him and confided in him more than any of my romantic partners, and he felt the same. Instead of the usual middle-school crushes, my journal was filled with stories of how much fun I had with Tyler. I would describe him to people he had never met, just because I wanted to brag about knowing such a talented individual. I’d even written a poem about him and he’d written a song about me. Many of my friends thought I had a crush on him, but I never even considered the idea of us dating. And yet I always knew he was more than a friend to me.
It is essential to first understand that a queerplatonic relationship breaks free from the platonic/romantic binary system and associated cultural expectations. As my survey showed, there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding queerplatonic relationships; some respondents saw no distinction between queerplatonic relationships and friendships and others mistakenly thought the label implied a sexualized friendship (QP Relationships). This appears to be an attempt to fit the relationship into existing categories, rather than acknowledge its renouncement of them.
However, individuals in queerplatonic relationships understand this label very differently than many who took my survey. In an interview with The Huffington Post, Victoria Allen, who is in a queerplatonic relationship, describes her experience as more intense than a best friend and quite similar to a romantic relationship, but with intense platonic affection rather than romantic attraction (Brekke). Others, especially in the blogging community, describe similar experiences. QP Advice, a popular advice blog for queerplatonic relationships maintained by four experts on this new term, explains that people in these relationships may consider themselves as partners, often calling each other “zucchinis” to differentiate them from romantic partners, and may spend their lives together, live with one another, or even raise children with each other (“Read the FAQ”). They also clarify that these can occur between two or more people of any/no gender, romantic orientation, or sexual orientation; the “queer” in queerplatonic refers to the concept of queering relationships (defining them outside of societal expectations), not a particular sexual or romantic orientation (“Read the FAQ”).
I especially admired one explanation of queerplatonic relationships found on Aromantic Aardvark, an advice blog for individuals on the aromantic spectrum (people who feel little to no romantic attraction to others). It describes queerplatonic relationships as the “mix-and-match” of relationships, explaining that this can make them difficult to understand; the following post brilliantly describes one aromantic individual’s experience with queerplatonic relationships:
“[With romance] there is still a narrative that is generally followed and things that are expected in a romantic relationship… Likewise, there are certain things expected in strictly platonic friendships… Queerplatonic to me means the breaking down of narratives. It means no rules. It means doing, essentially, whatever you are comfortable with… Trying to strictly define a queerplatonic narrative defeats the whole purpose of it. The purpose of it is to forge your own definition, to say ‘none of these words fit, so I’m going to make my own’… It’s uncharted territory that has no societal bounds.” (Aromantic Aardvark)
This individual believes an exact definition goes against the spirit of this categorization, and everyone in such a relationship will define it a bit differently; understandably, this makes comprehension of queerplatonic labels difficult. I find it helpful to think of it as similar to best friends with a greater level of closeness and commitment, but it is important to acknowledge that it disregards society’s expectations of what is appropriate for platonic relationships and instead allows individuals to set their own expectations for the relationship.
What’s in a Name?
Over winter break I attempted explaining my romantic orientation and my queerplatonic relationship with Tyler to Simon,* a close friend of mine. I explained that I identified as greyromantic, meaning I felt little romantic interest in others, and that Tyler was my zucchini (and what that meant). For the next hour, I listened to Simon tell me why I was wrong to feel so excited about these labels and that I shouldn’t use them; labels only make it easier for people to ridicule you and make you feel ashamed of your identity. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that happening to me anymore. He had already accomplished it.
Even if they acknowledge the nature of such a relationship, many people seem to object to labeling it; one well-intentioned survey respondent wrote “We shouldn’t have to make a new category of relationships. Love is love” (QP Relationships). Surely, as they believe, would not a friendship by any other name still be as close? While beautifully sentimental, and containing a grain of truth, this view ignores the privilege from which it speaks. Kaz, a blogger who identifies as greyromantic (on the aromantic spectrum but involving some romantic interest in others), expressed frustration over their platonic relationship not being afforded the same importance as a romantic relationship; commenters expressed having similar experiences and developed the terms “queerplatonic” and “zucchini” because no sufficient descriptions existed (“A/romanticism”). Charlie Damocles, who has been in a queerplatonic relationship for about a year, felt the same way, and chose to adopt the label recently as a result. In an e-mail interview I conducted, they explained, “We decided to adopt the label because calling each other friends just didn't feel right because our relationship was clearly more than that, but it definitely wasn't romantic either. I feel that it was a good decision because when people ask what my relationship is with my zucchini, I can say that we're platonic partners which seems to hold more weight than just a best friend” (Damocles). Like Kaz, they feel that the label helps others understand the significance of their relationship. Tyler agrees with these views and explains that the labels felt right for our relationship as well. In an e-mail interview, he said, “When we had first talked about the label and what it meant, it was clear to both of us that we could identify with it. I feel that it was a great decision to adopt the label… It was a great way to illustrate our commitment and better understand it… I know that using this label can have a positive impact because it's had one in my life” (Kish). As he explains here, this label made it much easier to explain our relationship to others and gave us a deeper understanding of it ourselves.
People who say these labels are irrelevant are speaking from a place of privilege – society has developed labels that they feel are adequate for their relationships and thus see no need to complicate the system further. They get along perfectly fine with labels such as “friend,” “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “partner,” etc., but they are forgetting that these categories do not work for everyone. As I tried to explain to Simon, since he has no need of this label it is irrelevant to his life, but that irrelevance does not extend to the lives of others, especially those who choose to adopt it. Charlie understands how someone who had never experienced a relationship like this would have difficulty understanding the need for a label, but they also maintain that this should not allow people to begrudge others the use of it. On this subject, they explained, “[Labels] are meant for the users to be able to describe things for themselves and identify with people who have similar experiences. It doesn't matter if one person finds it irrelevant. If someone thinks it's relevant to their life, then that's all that really matters” (Damocles). And clearly, many do; Kaz, Victoria, Charlie, Tyler, I, and many others feel this label is beneficial in our relationships.
However, this actually is quite the opposite of what some survey respondents thought, saying not only would the label be irrelevant, but it would also add pressure or expectations to the relationship if adopted (QP Relationships). But according to the description of queerplatonic relationships found on Aromantic Aardvark; they are meant to be about breaking down limiting relationship categories, rather than simply creating another rigid box to put oneself in. When asked how they would respond to people who feel the label would be harmful, Charlie insightfully remarked that any label can have damaging effects if it is used to define rather than to describe a relationship; the label “queerplatonic” itself is not the problem (Damocles). In fact, I would argue that is a step towards a solution for this problem, because it invites people to consider how to define their own relationships, rather than choosing from the ones society has defined for them. Queerplatonic is not like adding an “answer choice c” to an existing multiple choice relationship question; it is like changing the format to “fill-in-the-blank.”
The Unknown Zucchini
I had known Tyler for more than nine years before we realized we were zucchinis. When I first read the description of queerplatonic relationships, I couldn’t help but think of him. Instantly it felt right, and I began to understand the special relationship we had in a whole new light. I texted him that night, saying I had something exciting to tell him when I visited next week. I was irrationally nervous; I knew the label wouldn’t change anything, it was just a description of what we already had, but I confess I was a little worried he might think it was weird. I couldn’t have been more wrong. As soon as I explained it to him, he got this big smile on his face and told me I was his zucchini, too.
Understanding queerplatonic relationships can have significant benefits for people who are in such relationships without knowing it. In spite of being an obscure label, this type of relationship is quite common. For example, in the survey I conducted, only 25% of respondents had heard the term before, yet almost half said they were currently or previously in a relationship that fit the definition (QP Relationships). More noteworthy still, the majority of those who said they did have a relationship like this had not heard of the term before – very few had heard the term and been in a queerplatonic relationship (QP Relationships).
I found an interesting example of this discrepancy in a post by Chelsea Fagan, a writer for Thought Catalog, that one of my Facebook friends shared. In the post, which Chelsea calls “A Love Letter to a Best Friend,” she describes feeling an intense emotional connection with her best friend that closely resembled a relationship (Fagan). She details how they were often mistaken for a couple, defied the rules of what friends do and what partners do, hated how society treats platonic relationships as less important, and felt almost like they have been partners (Fagan). She even says, “I hate that society has made it so that expression of love between two friends — no matter how close they are — always feels a bit odd... There is no part of our love that is lesser or unimportant because it’s platonic… We’ve supported and cared for one another more deeply than a lot of our ‘real’ relationships.” (Fagan). In my opinion, this is an excellent description of a queerplatonic relationship. However, in the post she never uses “queerplatonic” or any related terms, and describes the sadness that she feels in having to move on with the lives she says they “should” have with romantic partners, moving away from each other as part of a natural and necessary process (Fagan).
A lot of stories develop this way because people feel they “should” have a romantic partner to settle down with and “should not” commit themselves to a platonic friend because that is not how society teaches us to be happy (one need look no further than the comments on this article, or my friend who shared it, to see how many people this story resonated with). Queerplatonic relationships take these “shoulds” and throw them out the window in favor of “wants.” Perhaps Chelsea’s story would have been different if she did not feel forced to follow expectations of how their lives “should” be, and instead explored what they wanted them to be. And perhaps it would still be the same, but I think Kaz, Charlie, Victoria, and Tyler would agree that it is infinitely better to consciously make that choice.
Conclusion
Shortly after my experience with Simon, an old friend of mine, John,* began messaging me and asking what was new in my life. Hesitantly, I decided to try explaining my romantic orientation and my zucchini. The result was vastly different from my previous experience. John was very understanding, surprisingly supportive, and genuinely happy for me. He said he hadn’t met Tyler, but had heard great things about him and would be glad of anyone that made me as happy as I am. I finally felt accepted.
Far from being irrelevant, queerplatonic relationships fill a conceptual gap in the understanding of romantic and platonic relationships, which can benefit people in such relationships and society at large. They break down the divide between romantic and platonic affection and, as one survey respondent phrased it, “allow [people] to see that there's more than just the black and white of ‘in a relationship’ or ‘just friends’” (QP Relationships). Understanding such relationships can benefit individuals who would not otherwise recognize that they were in one, but it can also promote an atmosphere of inclusivity and relationship freedom on a broader scale. Charlie asserts that understanding queerplatonic relationships would free people from feeling pressured to enter a romantic relationship with someone, even if they were not interested in a queerplatonic relationship, because it would teach them that platonic friendships are just as significant and valuable (Damocles). In that way, this leads to a healthier view of relationships in general – that they should be dictated by the people in them and not cultural norms, relationship hierarchies, or societal pressures which may not be ideal for the relationship in question. This concept has clearly benefited many of the individuals referenced in this essay, and will continue to help others as awareness spreads. While it has only existed for about five years, it appears the label “queerplatonic” is here to stay. With increased awareness and understanding, it may someday overtake “just friends” in its popularity as an explanation of close platonic relationships. Hopefully one day people will instead be able to respond to incorrect inquiries about romance with a simple, “Nope, we’re queerplatonic zucchinis.”
Epilogue
Tyler and I, since identifying as queerplatonic zucchinis, have realized that we share many ideas about the future that we would have previously thought were “weird” for a friendship. In his interview, he related this to one of his favorite memories of us: “Over the years we've made a tradition of sitting in the car at the end of the night and just talking for hours… We'd always joke that we wouldn't have to say goodbye if we lived together. As we've gotten older we've realized how much we'd like to really do that. We talk about the kind of house we would want, and how we would decorate... We talk about how much we want to have our movie marathons, have our friends come visit us, be there for the big stuff in each other’s lives, and grow old together. Those nights are always my favorite. We're always in the car, but we're never in a big hurry to get somewhere, because no matter where we're going we know we're going there together.”
*Names have been changed.
References
"A/romanticism." Kaz's Scribblings. N.p., 24 Dec. 2010. Web. 31 Jan. 2015. <http://kaz.dreamwidth.org/238564.html?thread=1342436>.
Aromantic Aardvark. "Romantic Relationships vs. Queerplatonic Relationships." N.p., 21 June 2012. Web. <http://aromanticaardvark.tumblr.com/post/25625686403/romantic-relationships-vs-queerplatonic>.
Brekke, Kira. "This Is What It Means To Be Aromantic, Demiromantic And Queerplatonic." The Huffington Post. N.p., 8 Oct. 2014. Web. 1 Feb. 2015. <http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/08/aromantic-demiromantic-queerplatonic_n_5948256.html>.
Damocles, Charlie. Email interview. 2 Feb. 2015.
Fagan, Chelsea. "A Love Letter To A Best Friend." Thought Catalog. N.p., 25 Mar. 2014. Web. 2 Feb. 2015. <http://thoughtcatalog.com/chelsea-fagan/2014/03/a-love-letter-to-a-best-friend/>.
Kish, Tyler. Email interview. 31 Jan. 2015.
QP Relationships. 27 Jan. 2015. Informal Survey.
"Queerplatonic." Asexuality.org. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, n.d. Web. 1 Feb. 2015. <http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Queerplatonic>.
"Read the FAQ." Queerplatonic and Aromantic Advice. N.p., n.d. Web. 1 Feb. 2015. <http://qpadvice.tumblr.com/faq>.
Smith, S. E. "I Don’t Mean to Baffle You, But I Do: Queerplatonic Partnerships." This Ain't Livin'. N.p., 29 June 2012. Web. 1 Feb. 2015. <http://meloukhia.net/2012/06/i_dont_mean_to_baffle_you_but_i_do_queerplatonic_partnerships/>.
